How horrible it is when, after a nightmarish fight, all your soul needs is to get back to all that´s familiar, but the pieces don´t fit, or shouldn´t fit, or can´t fit.

Home II

Here it is again
like a butterfly in a ray of sun
flying slow motion
and I´m really here,
or am I not?

It´s that feeling I get
when, if I had whatever the hell it takes
to get up from where I´m probably, what, plopping?
and got my ears into phones
and my ass onto the taburet
and the ten soldiers of my soul
all bursting with anticipation
on the cool glistening keys,
in the place they call
`Home!´,
I think I´d create
something unforgettable.

How can someone
be crazy enough to
pass up
on a ride like that?
And not just once,
but again?
What?!

Biding my time for too long?
Lost in the intent of suspension?
Ignoring the advent of Sir Winter?
Stretching the slomo too far
for the laws that be?

Not caring enough?

Maybe this
is the classic case
of something
better
forgotten.
For now.

¨You know, Charlie. I have most of what I need but it´s not what I really need, it´s not even what I want if I think about it hard enough. ¨
¨I think I know what you mean.¨
¨You wanna make me feel comfortable, suddenly, is that it?¨
¨No.¨
¨I feel like the ingredients I have are not for the recipe I intend to embark on... but they aren´t yielding another recipe either... and it doesn´t make sense. They should yield at least something, something worthwhile, you know? instead I get this goo....¨
¨Of course you get a goo. ¨
¨Oh, yeah?¨
¨Even the simplest recipe takes intention. If you don´t have the right intention for the ingredients you have, if you don´t develop a recipe, you´ll still have the unstructured and useless goo.¨
¨Oh God. I think I see.¨
¨You´re welcome, my lady.¨

Siamo tutti soli.

Bewilder

¨These dates, these years, last decade for instance, man. They´re piling up and losing edge. I can´t stand it.¨
¨Yeah, I know.¨
¨So what do you say I do about it.¨
¨Fuck if I know.¨

Home I

There she was, just plopped. Escher molten clock style. Ryan interview bystander style. Something like 5, or like 6 in the morning. And sideways the thrill just seeped in, like dipping the red paint brush in clear water the first time. She had a skip-of-a-beat. She had a plunge-of-the-gut. She decided to make up her mind and assign a name to something which had many names, this mysterious feeling of joy, of awareness, the Chapter 84 moment, the gasp, the wonder. Like being 14 again. It longed to evolve into panic but she knew better. Oh God this thing I call Home, this slide through the dust in the light, how could I ever...?
Nah.

Caution

What?! What am I supposed to do, just write what I really think? Wouldn´t that make something implode somewhere somehow in summertime? If the butterfly effect is true, what about the elephant effect? No, I have to keep the balance of Cosmos as before-me as possible. Or don´t I?

Giveitawaynow

An RHCP tracklist, and a dull feeling of distance from the stars in my eyes when, twenty years ago, I first watched some of these videos on MTV, my head cocked to one side, and way more hues than words to express them.
Who cares, it´s not like it´s touching music. It´s real cool stuff made by four dudes just a little older than me, that invariably takes me back to that evening so long ago, when my future was waiting to burst in fireworks over the roof of my room. It´s not like a painful memory, just painful realization. Where the hell is my youth? Hey! You weren´t supposed to leave without telling me!

Lily sighed into the batter. These thoughts were better left unthought, in general.

Memo

Ay mi corazón vivo dale dale dale vamos todavía.

Nambrenan

la contesa maria carolina
se perfuma, ni te imaginas
la señal de la cruz delinea
con un dejo jazmín y azalea

Holaun

¿Por qué escribo canciones?
I´m forever going through some suwweal shiiieet.
Por eso.
And cuz I can.

Joyous Warning

Her Majesty´s looking to poison us.
Yup.
Cheers to that.
Cheerz.

Lily and Aurora II

Aurey it´s me. Is it too late?
No, Lily, and even if it were, you must have a reason to be calling me at this time!
I do, I do. Aurey I´m so excited! I just figured that one great way to get Jeannie to become communicative and to understand language is to take advantage of her great ear, her aural response, her aural sensitivity... and just like with everything else, breaking the process down like the analysis of a symphony is perfect for both of us. I get to learn how she learns, she gets to learn to link the music of the discourse with certain emotional responses, and we both learn to communicate.
I just incorporate this little pill into her everyday activities: I break dialogue into its basic motifs and the emotions they can be linked to. Then I take away the words and let it be a melodic discourse, with actual small musical motifs. And I either entertain her with that for long stretches, she loves it, or I throw her one every now and then, and she just lights up! Aurey! And there´s quick progress because she´s got this supersensitive delicate musical ear!
Well I´ll be damned, Lily. You don´t cease to surprise me. Jesus.
Thanks for your patience, Aurey.
What are you talking about? I´m happy for all of us! Great work! I´m coming over.
Sigh and silent smile.
Click

The Great Bottomless

General Perkins was known to believe in the power of willpower. A dimension of unknown dimensions, it never ceased to fascinate him how, throughout the history of mankind, the sole power of human will, repeatedly meeting the most impossible challenges, repeatedly left those who witnessed it in awe.
"It has no limits. It is The Great Bottomless. And boy do I love all limitless things, even the most terrifying ones. Eh, Gruubs?"
"I see, Sir. Well, me too," mumbled Gruubs, whose eyes were following an ant's impossible pilgrimage up the windowsill, with a chunk of today´s parmesan on its back.

Her Majesty´s Little Chap

Lily and Aurora I

¨There, now. You´ll feel better anytime now. Hold still.¨
¨Dammit. I always get stuck like this, wondering why he does this to me.¨
¨Do you really want this man to be the one to hold your hand when you die?¨
¨No, he´s the one I want to hold my hand as I live.¨
¨Well, then, girl, all you gotta do is activate your OMT.¨
¨What the hell´s my OMT.¨
¨It´s the Own Man Translator. You try to break down everything that`s breakdownable about how your man acts, you analyze his discourse in time, if you need to you draw vectors, or make lists, or set up graph charts, until you rip it down to 10 main themes max, and the reactions based on them... and you study him. I mean study him hard. And trust me this can reach what I call heights of depression. Study the hell out of him, Lily, literally. Literally, Lily. And when you know him, based on reflexion, based on experience and objective observation and analysis, you become a simultaneous interpreter between his behavior and your rationalization and he becomes an instrument for your life symphony and you finally use him to compose instead of the other way around.¨
¨Oh Aurey, seriously.¨
¨Don´t take this lightly, Lily. I´m offering you what may be your only way out of your mire. You know I´m right.¨
Lily sighed.
She did.

Chapter None, In Which We Meet Lily and Aurora

Hello, Aurey? This is Lily.
Hi Lily!
Hi dear, I´m calling to ask you about something. Is this a bad time?
Not at all. Tell me what´s on your mind.
Well, I´m trying to make Jane do the body turn we talked about the other day, where you cross one arm and leg way over the other and let her figure out how to get unstuck. Well, it´s not working. As soon as I do the crossover she reacts by curling in the exact opposite direction! I´m distressed, I don´t think she can do this.
You mean as soon as you cross her legs and arms and take her out of her balance, she restores it and even emphasizes her decision by curling up the other way?
Yes, Exactly........ Oh!! She´s already doing it!
Hello! I´ll be right over.
Click.

Useless Concern

If I were famous, I´d still have a secret alias to express admiration in my place
without it being tinged by the fact that I am indeed me.

Libros Usados

Post-it encontrado detrás de la puerta del baño real:

Basta con la virginidad de los libros como gran valor. Un libro usado, que te llega via Ebay, tiene esa marcha de más que a mi me recuerda la biblioteca de mi colegio... ¡y encima cuesta tanto menos! Tanto que tiene el gusto del robo y la ganga (that damn sweet taste). Cómo es que uno tarda tanto a veces en entender cosas sencillas. Saludop. Taluegop.
María Carolina, Infanta de Kijara

Nostalgia

I´m a little sad when I don´t know how to communicate an emotion I have. You may say well sad is a pretty easy thing to communicate. And I might reply yes but sad is all that comes through to you while there´s really a bigger dimension which is there´s something I need to express but am unable to, and that´s why I´m sad... and embarassed to be sad and not furious.
Knowing that nothing I feel may actually be unique only makes it worse... others have felt this but I will never find them in the position to talk about it and even if I find them, the emotion may be similar but it will never be a complete match. I miss my childhood, who can help me with that? I miss my mother and my dad and my brothers and their families and the mentors and mother-sister-teachers who shaped my soul, the feeling of being completely protected from harm and loss, I miss my dogs, my cats, my gardens in their golden seasons, my pony, the scent of jasmine and tangerine and basil filling my brother´s land rover, the feeling of my whole life ahead of me, water from sweet streams bubbling around my feet, the red earth, the always important festivities which interrupted work and study and which were the perfect excuse to feel the day was special, the music seeping out of houses at all times. I miss ASA, how fabulously frivolous our concerns were half the time, I even miss sitting down at my glass desk at home to do homework I had probably already half finished in class, or sitting at the piano and taking in that scent of pine which drove me mad with belongingness. Or the school library, where I often stayed long in to read the most meaningful books that were to become the underlying geography of my mental... skyline.
So what the hell, I´ll start by feeding it to you generous, pious people, and doing so as best I can, sacrificing many an aspect of narration... and then stop abruptly, maybe half admitting that I already feel a little better. So much so that I leave. Seeya.

There´s a Time and Place to Sleep....

 

This applies not to the Royal Family.They do the anywhere, anyhow thing.

Declaration of Dependence

In the period between ___ and ___, ___ deconstructed and reconstructed ___self in the head-over-heels festival - or landslide - of assimilation of an awesome creature like ___, only to deconstruct ___self again when ___ failed to come through with the implicit promise of happiness. And all the things ___ wanted to share with those ___ loved, when ____ dreamed of inspiring conversations with, say, ___ nieces and nephews or students, drifted out of reach again, became ambiguous, and vanished, combusting in the crisp winter morning.

Leap

Encontrado en un post-it en la bota de la Infanta María Carolina el 1º de marzo del 2012:

Hola día-diferencia.
Hola bisiesto dragón.
¿...festejamos como nunca antes?
Por ahí ni tengo razón.

Cortazeando

A veces estoy así sentada nomás, y percibo como un soplo de conciencia, los bordes de algo que está pasando tipo en otra dimensión.
Como si por equivocación me adelantara al siguiente truco del mago, y supiera lo que está a punto de hacer suceder. No es abarcante como el corrimiento del telón en el capítulo 84 de Rayuela, que viene inevitablemente golpeando a la memoria y me parece ahora a mí que es más grave que lo que estoy tratando de describir.
Me enternece mirar al costado por un momento, sobre la pantalla, y espiar si el siguiente es el cuadrado o el palo o la L o la Z o su reverso. Otro nivel lúdico, pues.

Lily and the Mirror I

¨Something weird just happened in the bathroom,¨
¨What, Baby.¨ Charlie lay sprawled on the bed reading an issue of some obscure comic, and his eyebrow lifted imperceptibly.
¨I went over there to check on myself in the big mirror, and suddenly an urge took over and I started looking for the scissors. I knew that I had to stop fooling around with these ridiculously inadequate bangs and cut them properly. And suddenly, the scissors were doing things that I had never made them do before. It was as if I had suddenly become a hairdresser. I was having my way with those scissors the way I have it with the piano when I´m figuring out a song. I was remembering every move I saw stylists doing on my hair through the years, especially the prosperous ones if you know what I mean, the parting and the re-parting and the pins... I had only one pin, but I used it like a mini light saber. Then I washed my hair quickly with volumising shampoo, in the sink, no conditioner, held it in a towel for 10 minutes, and finally blowdried it. When I picked up the tube brush to style my bangs it was as if it were my personal weapon. With what confidence I managed it with my left hand while my right blew the moistness away and the heat gave shape to a part of me. Then I made a discreet little hairdo, and held it up like I had never held it up before, with unrefutable logic, lucid use of common sense and the laws of physics. I felt possessed, I swear.  And here I am. Tell me if it´s not something. I want you to tell me what you think.¨
But only silence responded, because Charlie had fallen asleep.

Projects of Virtue

Drafts of Austral sky phenomena have allowed us to capture this fragment of a public mental press release by HRH Francesca Juana I.
 
¨I was thinking about a tape recording of myself fooling around and singing when I was about nine, and it occurred to me that I might record my 9-yr-old Max listening to it with earphones and responding to it on a parallel track. It would then be two kids with a very strong bond exhibiting themselves creatively...  What a way to remain! It´s gonna be legen-wait-for-it-dary! I know Lil Miss Cole and lots of others did it, I´m not inventing rocks. But in this day and age- ¨ (signal interrupted)

So courtesy of the future, hopefully, we will have one more recording to celebrate and wonder at.

Star Splinter

Lily blinked in the rays of the reflexion of the sun on the front neighbor's window exploding on the inside of her eyeglasses. A light attack from behind, she sighed.
Yet the attack of light from a star came not alone.
Neurons sparked alive and shuddering communicated in the exact combination that would elicit the thought.
She still hadn't recovered full functionality of her sight. But the words were clear in her mind.
 
I'll tell you what. This is what I propose.

I realize attention spans cannot be expected to be what they once were.

We've all got some kind of ADD or else we wouldn't survive.

   

So I'll begin a brand of minute long songs, the MP (mini play).

  

I want you to hear my songs. And trust me you want to hear them too.

I give you short (time away from else), you give me full (attention throughout).

Short-4-full. Short-4-full. Till the end there is no lull.

Amen.

How Her Majesty Intended to Remember Valentine´s

Fugue

the flustered writings of a blocked songwriter

Oh Jesus.

Telepathy

Lily looked at Charlie in the rearview mirror as he looked out to the lights up the hill.
`Besides,´ she said, ´if you want to return to an old habit, all you need to do is allot a specific time in your life for it. Like the fox and the little prince, it´s a formula that cannot fail.`
`M-hm,` he semisung. `Incredible how life changes your schedule and you lose things just because they get lost in the schedule, become more and more ambiguous and dispendable...`
Lily´s thoughts immediately rested upon her fingers resting upon the piano.

Stop resting.

Stop stopping.

Oh Lily.

Dadaism

At the risk of seeming more stupid than I hope to be I´d like to comment that I´ve been taking a fancy for TV series in the last years, and that I´m more and more aware that each series has its own particular brand of laughter. Desperate Housewives - Grey´s Anatomy  - Californication - Lie to Me - Dr. House - Modern Family - The It Crowd - Blackadder - Little Britain - How I Met Your Mother...
I need to record myself and analyse the dada.

How I Met Your Meyer

Feigning to see a glimpse of her reflexion on the monitor, Lily cuddled the tachicardia in her chest.
There it was, her eye looking at her among the o´s of google.

Lily and the Block

Lily was sitting there, thinking about it.
Never like in this time, she´d find herself staring at the clock 8 minutes after her last memory was the exact same moment 8 minutes before.
How can blockage be so beautiful, though, she thought, as if she were musing over a very intricate yet perfect snowflake snuggled in her palm, melting.

Importance of feeling important

¨Between 8 and 10, I began to think that what I had to say was actually important. We are talking world savior style, of course. By 21 I kept little notebooks with brilliant little musings, all lost now, of course.
But maybe what I had to say actually was important. As long as I still feel this, I can still make my curtain call, wouldn't you agree?¨
¨M-hm.¨
¨You're not listening to me, are you?¨
¨What's your problem, Lily? Can't you see I'm busy here?¨
 Of Course.

A New House to Build

strange it seemed and strange it was
but something had suddenly changed the stats:
bye, future projections of misery,´ she was writing,
and then wondered why she was so reluctant to admit
that she finally saw her life approaching the end of
lateral drifting.